I can't watch. I couldn't rouse myself to watch the first debate, though I tried, and I couldn't stream the Cubs' victory last week and like Brexit, I figure, why rob myself of a good night's sleep, the result will still be there in the morning. Or the news of the shootings. Or martial law, you know, all depending.

So many of my friends feel good today, posting about tearing up, feel like something good has happened, this groundswell of effort for Hillary. Pantsuit nation. They feel so good that perhaps they don't notice that the big ugly problems are not going away. They feel great because Michelle Obama said to go high, so they went high, but that only is in comparison to people calling for Hillary to be jailed, so it's not that high. This wasn't a campaign on issues. Not even the bullshit flashpoint faux issues that traditionally divide voters. This was campaign as reality television, a battle of personalities and footage. It was awful. Read about the Lincoln-Douglas debates and realize the days of intelligent discourse are way, way behind us. Blech.

Does anyone else in their heart of hearts think that Hillary got as far as she got partly because of her husband? Does anyone else fear the absolute groundswell of misogyny - unconscious yet unmistakable - in the comments about her? In the feelings people had about her? In the hate?  Maybe I should be grateful the ceiling could be shattered tonight. Maybe I should celebrate the good and not dwell on the massive giant flaws.  But really: we haven't come that long of a way, baby.

I wish the Republicans had not let the Evangelicals turn their political party into a nasty partisan zealot club. I wish that old enemies could reconcile. I wish that someone in some far off reach of this campaign had an objection to war, the money, all the drone killings. I wish someone was speaking about peace. I really wish that. Peace is only mentioned on Christmas cards now and I hate it. I will send your Christmas card back with 'screw you' written on it if it mentions peace and you voted for Hillary, because she's a hawk.

 I wish that corporations didn't have a lockdown on Congress. I wish that the first thing they told you when you ran for Congress was that you could make a difference - not that you needed to ask corporations for money. I wish that all that anger that translates to Trump support could be acknowledged in some big, meaningful way. I wish that the judiciary could see how blind they are to their own disempowerment. I wish someone could start bringing lawsuits against those in Congress blocking confirmation of Merrick Garland. WHEREFORE MERRICK GARLAND, everyone?

You can take your daughters to the polling stations all you want and God bless you for it but deep down you know what I know: the world is getting worse. We are in a dark place and it is getting darker. The United States is gripped with bipolar disorder, and no one at one end will make friends with those at the other. In fact the last year has just made it worse.


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