The Leprechaun - #28playslater #day5

THE LEPRECHAUN

A hospital bed in a nice private hospital. JEAN is propped up on pillows, her left leg is raised in a sling and her left foot is bandaged. She has a morphine drip.

She is watching the wallpaper. It’s really doing something very lively.

A LEPRECHAUN comes in. He is traditionally dressed, about four feet tall, filthy dirty and scowling. He picks up the room service menu and points it at a water bottle on the side table.

LEPRECHAUN
Take off the girdle. Gertl, and tell me everything about Onyun’s onions, or else little Dicklberg here will get it with this.

JEAN
Bunions. You mean bunions. Calm down. Why so hostile? It’s because my Welsh mother used to dress me in orange to go to school in New York on St. Patrick’s day. So in my subconscious the Irish people are dirtied and angry.

LEPRECHAUN
Well I can’t very well say I’m not from your subconscious.

JEAN
Of course you’re not. The thing that Jung said was true. You are me.

LEPRECHAUN
I’m not a dream. I’m just a hallucination from your morphine.

JEAN
I know. The wallpaper is telling this story of the migration of ancient peoples in shadows. It’s so beautiful. But you’re angry.

LEPRECHAUN
I am angry.

JEAN
You’re not supposed to really point that out in a play are you?

LEPRECHAUN
But I really was very angry.

They eye each other.

LEPRECHAUN
It wasn’t a play when it really happened.

JEAN
I know that. When I really had my bunion operation, you never said a word.

LEPRECHAUN
I didn’t. I wouldn’t even look at you. But you were so kind and peaceful you made it ok for me to go away.

JEAN
Thank you.

LEPRECHAUN
You made me say that though. In the play. In this play.

JEAN is horrified.

LEPRECHAUN
As if you’d mastered your sanity. You weren’t that marvelous to tell you the truth.

JEAN
Really give me some gorgeous Irish accent.

LEPRECHAUN
You weren’t that marvelous. You’re not as clever as you think you are.

JEAN
I try not to think about it.

LEPRECHAUN
That is true.

JEAN
And?

LEPRECHAUN
That is true and you did not make me say it- in the play. I am being an objective sentient Leprechaun right now with a keen eye for human virtue giving you a totally deserved compliment about your humility.

JEAN
Thank you.

She considers her foot.

JEAN
So why were you so angry? 

LEPRECHAUN
You were off your head on morphine. No one was listening to you. You kept telling them that morphine gave you hallucinations and no one paid you the slightest attention. Once they hear that American accent you know they’re off dreaming about Florida and American breakfasts and they don’t realise you’re trying to tell them something. It’s a big problem with the English. They think everything said in this accent is poetic. JAYSUS. ... So understandably - well, I wouldn’t say understandably myself, I thought you overreacted. You did yell to scare me off.

JEAN
Well I refuse to be disempowered.

LEPRECHAUN
You were angry.

JEAN
Angry or not, I am perfectly entitled to try to scare you off by yelling at you. It worked with every single boyfriend.

LEPRECHAUN
But the yelling made the nurse come in.

JEAN
I don’t remember what happened when the nurse came in.

A NURSE enters. She can’t see the LEPRECHAUN.

JEAN
I was really angry!

LEPRECHAUN
No shit.

JEAN
When it’s yourself it’s hard to tell. What did I say?

LEPRECHAUN
You calmed yourself down. You told her about your trip to South America when you hiked down from Panama to Peru with your friends and had all the porters. And how the porters bought out the entire grocery store, and you finish your story saying ‘so there really were 50 of them buying groceries in Panama’

The NURSE is lost in fluffy pancakes and Disneyland.

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